Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
