Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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