Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
