i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
