One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
