You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
