and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
