I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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