Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
