It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
