I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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