I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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