At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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