Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
