pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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