grandma shit on top of the toilet
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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