Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
