i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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