Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
