Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
