I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
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