i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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