The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
