I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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