So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
