Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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