I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize