I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
do nipples grow back?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
