you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
