My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
