yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
