This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
