if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Say something about gay babies.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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