hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize