you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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