I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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