you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
