I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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