I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
