i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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