the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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