Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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