my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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