I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
