he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
