as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
