fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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