there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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