I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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