She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
