I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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