I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
