Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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