I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
