he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
