When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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